Friendship

Fuck that. Well, that’s a bit harsh but bascially, I’ve been having some issues with my friends recently. We don’t all get together very often so when there’s a reason, everyone tries to get there and make the most of it. November has 4 reasons to meet before it’s halfway through:

1. Guy Fawkes/Bonfire/Fireworks Night – 5th November but we ‘celebrated’ on the 7th
2. M’s Birthday – 11th November
3. F’s Birthday – 12th November but we celebrated on the 13th
4. R’s back to Leeds – 15th November but we met up on the 14th

I’ll put 3 of these (not no.2) into separate posts otherwise this’ll be far too long! All this has happened over the space of a week today and I’ll spread out the posts a little. I’ll try to do them quickly but you know me, so no promises.

So, to start we have Guy Fawkes Night. This is my favourite day of the year, only just before Shove Tuesday (pancakes!). I don’t know why I like it so much, but the reasons Christmas and my birthday aren’t at the top, is because I don’t like family get togethers, planned big dinners, receiving gifts or giving them, but not because I don’t like spending on people.

On the 6th, I got a text from L asking if I wanted to go to a ‘nearby’ fireworks show and bonfire, to which I replied ‘I’d love to!’ My normal response to things is something like ‘I guess’ or ‘depends who else is going’ but this time I didn’t care because I wanted to celebrate Guy Fawkes. We carried on texting but not about details of the meeting, which I asked for early the next day, but got no reply until 7:30pm. I found out that the torch procession started at 6:30-45pm so then they reach the bonfire and light it around 7pm. Clearly, I’d been left behind. The reply was ‘we’re already at the bonfire x.’ x? Are you kidding me?

I only knew of L being there at this point, but being left behind really upset me. I really wanted to do something special this year, I showed a very clear enthusiasm and I got completely forgotten about. My mum was sad and angry for me as well so she told me to go and get ready because she’d drive me there. We couldn’t drive all the way as the road was closed (presumably a health and safety issue) but the drive was about 10minutes and I then had to walk for another 10minutes in the pitch black. Let me point out, my area is made up of farm- and woodland. It was not a nice walk.

So, I walk around a corner and up on a hill I can see the crowd and the bonfire, but at the bottom of the hill there’s a few small groups of people and as I got closer, I noticed that bright orange, plastic fencing. A bad sign, but I ignored it and kept my head down. Did I get through. Of course not! Some short, bald guy wearing a reflective vest tells me I can’t go through. I politely fight my cause a bit but he’s having none of it. I could’ve pegged it, gotten through the next barriar and hidden in the crowd, but I really wasn’t in the mood.

I walked back a bit, fighting the tears and the fireworks started. 3 metres away. Good on them for putting a barriar up but when it’s that close, it’s rather useless. They were literally going off right above my head and as they were so close, they were a hell of a lot louder than I’m used to. I’d been texting L on the way, so I let her know I couldn’t get through and I also told my mum who then rang me and I tried not to cry down the phone, but it didn’t really work.

When they finally finished and the barriars were taken away, a huge procession of people came my way,  L wasn’t answering me and it was raining heavily. I was standing there being stared at for a full 5minutes before L replies telling me they have to go because they have a lift with Sa’s dad. Oh great. Not only was I forgotten about before the fireworks, I was forgotten afterwards as well even though they walked right past me.

I later found out that there were 3 others including my best male friend (I only have about 3!) Sc, so that makes 5 people (3 of which are close friends) who forgot me. I’ve done so much for Sc and we’re really close (as close as can be non-romantically) and even though I haven’t been friends with him for as long as I have with L (I’ve known him as long but we lost contact for a long time), I was more hurt that he’d essentially abandoned me than I was at L. Sc understands me and my issues much better than anyone so for him to not think like that was just ridiculous.

My CPN is angry at them as well and I don’t think we’ve even met 5 times yet. I had sent her e-mail when I’d gotten home that night so obviously, my written tone was much more hurt, frustrated and angry. I guess she just felt it through that.

L and Sc are fundamental to the other 2 events I’ll be writing about as well. Sa will also be mentioned mostly in the last installment of the ‘why I hate my friends’ series =P Maybe I should call it the ‘friendship’ series!  Anyway, that’s the first step on the road to me being a loner. Follow me and we’ll see what happens.

~C~

Camera Club

Back at the start of September I joined the local Camera Club which meets every fornight on Wednesday. The first meeting was a non-league competition and you can either enter Prints or Enprints. The former photos are mounted, enlarged and are allowed to be manipulated, while the Enprints are a max size of 7×5 and minimum of 4×6, unmounted and unedited. I’m sure you can guess that Prints is far more popular. Well, I entered Enprints because I know nothing about mounting and didn’t have time to order any enlargements. It’s also incredibly rare that I edit a photo so Prints really isn’t my thing.

So, they have a guest judge come in and go through every photo in the Prints competition at the front where everyone can see. We aren’t told who the photo belongs to, but we get told the title and get to hear the critique of the judge. Now I’ll point out that there must’ve been about 30 people there so in theory that’s 90 photos as every member can submit 3 photos. It took a long time to go through them all.

Then it came to the Enprints. The chairwoman wasn’t there for this or the following meeting because she was doing a charity 10k bike ride, so it was up to the other commitee members how they were going to judge the Enprints. In this case they were treated much the same as Prints, but less time was spent on them. There was only about 10 photos and 3 were mine. The judge liked all of mine, one in particular but I still didn’t get a winning place (which were 1st, 2nd, 3rd and he choose 2 for Highly Commended). What irritated me was that I was so close, but he chose a photo to win that he didn’t even particularly like and some of the photos submitted were enlarged so shouldn’t have been there anyway (including the photo I just mentioned). Hey ho.

The next meeting was a speaker evening. The speaker was Ken Scott. His speciality is landscapes especially in the mountains which he’s written a book about. I bought the book in the break of his presentation and I do recommend it. His topic was ‘Besides and Beyond – the art and psychology behind everyday photography’. Basically, on Flickr he was challenged to the project of taking at least one photo everyday for a year and his presentation was all about how this improved his photography, since he’d been a specialist for so long, and in some ways his outlook . It’s not like he could go up a mountain everyday! When it came to the end of the year he had the dilemma of whether to stop the project or try to continue for another year. He continued and is still submitting a photo to Flickr everyday. His account is called ‘touchingthelight’ so please do check out his work.

Next was the beginning of the league competition and the subject was ‘yellow’. I hate yellow and I didn’t have any photos that could really be used so I needed to take a new one, but I procrastinated until the day of the meeting. Unfortunately, it was a busy day as my sister was getting her second tattoo and my mum was at the hospital with my step-dad who’s getting chemotherapy. So I took some in the morning of a cut lemon and some sherbet lemons, but I didn’t get to check them until around 4pm when I got home. They were rubbish so after a while of just giving up, I set the whole thing up again and started over. Again most were rubbish (to be fair the lighting was horrific!) but I picked one out and me and my sister went down to Boots around 5:20pm to get it printed. The meeting was at 7:30pm at which time my mum was finally back.

This meeting was a little controversial for me and my mum, because many of the pictures didn’t really have ‘yellow’ as the subject. One of the winning photos in the  Prints competition was called OJ…it was of three glasses of orange juice. Now, don’t get me wrong, it was a very good photo, but it’s orange. Not only that, but the Enprints got mixed up because the chairwoman was back and had differing views on how it should be done. Her opinion was that Enprints was more descrete so they shouldn’t be up the front and critiqued like the Prints (apart from the winning 4-5 photos). This is fair enough and it’s good to have a competition like that, but at the time we weren’t aware that Enprints was meant to be for those who are more on the shy side (though no one finds out who’s photo is whos unless they win) so my mum got pretty annoyed that my photo might not get any comments, especially since they were trying to get more people submitting Enprints and for it to be seen as valid a competition as Prints.

Well, in the end the photos were all put up at the same time and all given a short critque…except mine and one other. Typical. I was a disapointed, but not really angry. I figured I wouldn’t enter future competitions though (not in an immature ‘well I just won’t take part’ sort of way. It just didn’t feel worth it). However, my mum was angry and she told me that I should leave before her. I was filled with dread and tried to persuade her not to say anything. Afterall, we’re only new members and it’s rather out of place for us to shake up the way they do things. But in the end I just left and waited for her. It went well. I got a critique which was great (and I retook the photo the next day with those comments in mind) and my mum had a nice general chat about me. Oh joy. I was not impressed but the chairwoman is very nice so I guess it’s okay.

The most recent meeting was last night and was supposed to be a talk by Nick Scott, but it got a bit messed up so a different photographer called Glen/Glyn (I think =S I forget his last name unfortunately) who took a trip to America to travel Route 66 (LA – Chicago). It was interesting but he wasn’t the best speaker to be honest. He works entirely with film and processes his own work on the most part so it was quite nice to see slide work for once. Personally, I have no interest in film photography. While some think of the wait for the photos to be processed as exciting and it’s like getting a present, to me it’s more something to dread. I would hate to have gone on this Route 66 trip and the photos bombed. I would be devestated! So much so I doubt I would pick up a camera again. I do respect film and photographers who still use it though, it’s just not for me. During this meeting I also got some mounting card which I’ll be using for the next competition (non-league).

Anyway, since I have been negligent of updating recently here’s a long post and I’ll be putting some in my drafts to post over the next week to catch up with goings on.

Take care

~C~

Sorry, Wrong Number

I haven’t posted in well over a month, but this is priceless so I must share. I’ll make a serious update soon I’m sure.

It’s 21:55 and I’m just finishing watching the new episode of Mythbusters which I have enjoyed immensely, when my mobile phone that sits on the nearby coffee table vibrates against the wood. I have a message. Who could this be? It’s rare that I get a text and even more rare that it’s an actual person on the other end and not some automated bot.

Anyway, I pick it up, unlock it and check the number; it’s not anyone I know. Must be a wrong number.

“Hi reagan u ok school on wednesday im not looking forward 2 it”

Definately a wrong number. So I wrack my brain for a response. Nothing seems good enough so I request assistance from my good friend ‘A’ and she comes up with a marvelous, yet bizarre, suggestion which I adapt slightly and send back to Mr/Mrs Sender.

“We shouldn’t talk like this nemore. The pies are listening.”

Suddenly, the phone vibrates against my leg after a few seconds have past. “That was quick,” I remark to A but clearly, this person on the other end isn’t in the mood for playing our little game as s/he replies “Wht”. How boring. Again I enlist the help of A and a few adaptions later, we respond:

“Goddammit man, don’t you understand?! The *pies*! They know. They saw. We need to lay low.”

The tension rises as I wait. It’s a longer pause this time. I make a comment to A to pass the time “I wish I was there on wednesday when he goes up to Reagan and asks wtf he’s on.” Then, just as I’m distracted bzzzz goes the phone. “Who is this”

They don’t like to use proper grammar in their texts it seems. I should use this ploy, as it’s likely Reagan doesn’t either. I must get into character to prolong the conversation with Mystery Caller, as I’ve come to call him/her. But first, I must get around the sticky situation of the reply.

“We’re busted!” I cry, but still we try to save the conversation with “U know who this is. U txted me dude” But alas, MC isn’t having any of it and even his/her texting ability goes out the window, “Eyy who is this now whis ir nt funny x”

What is this?! An ‘x’ on the end? Surely not a kiss symbol. It seems so out of character for MC, especially since s/he’s said this isn’t funny. So far, MC has been abrupt. Straight to the point and the endings left bare. Not even a full stop, but not this time. There’s an ‘x’. I swiftly reply but unfortunately I kept losing signal and the message simply sat in my outbox ‘Waiting…’.

“Come on man. I’m not kidding about the pies. I’ll tell u more about it on wednesday”

“shut up reagan”

Is it so? S/he thinks we’re still Reagan?! We did it! We’re not busted any more! Okay, it’s time for caution. I refuse to completely dump the pie storyline but I soften the blow with some normality.

“Never   The truth must be told! Anyway, u all sorted for school?”

Again I lose signal. My patience is wearing thin as I wait for MC to get my message and reply. How will s/he take it? Will s/he fall for my little trap to keep the conversation going. The reply is shakey. Is it good or bad?

“Omg reagan stop it now”

Well, MC still thinks we’re Reagan but they aren’t answering the question. They didn’t fall into it. It takes a long time for my next message to send and I don’t know if Mystery Caller even read it. I guess we’ll never know.

“I thought i had since i asked a simple q x”

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Youtube and Update

I’ve decided to try out a little bit of vlogging and I started off by making two videos about Asperger syndrome. I got some really nice comments from a couple of guys, which was nice and one even said something about it being nice that there was a female aspie making videos. I didn’t really know how I felt about that, but it did make me laugh in an ironic sort of way. So anyway, if you’re interested in following me on youtube, my account is FatallyXDoubting (http://www.youtube.com/user/FatallyxDoubting). It’s still a bit scary, putting myself at there to the big wide world. I’ve even had a 27 year old Italian tell me I’m beautiful and he’s honoured to talk to me.

Which reminds me. Saw my CPN yesterday and her and my psych wrote a risk assessment for me and one of the risks was ‘exploitation’ and it said I ignore safety online. I’m slightly miffed. It’s not like I ever tell people my location or my full name! I’m not that free on the net. Although, now I’m more exposed as I’m on youtube…but still, grr.

Agh! Someone just winked at me on match.com =O. I’ll just look at their profile…okay false alarm. They have no information about themselves apart from that they have a nice arse and they want any partner (which means she’s either a bit of a whore or she’s desperate). I’m curious just how many girls she winked at!

Anyway, so I was supposed to have a joint appointment with both my psych and my CPN yesterday, but my psych dropped out of work because of a migraine, so couldn’t make it. I didn’t mind as I was pretty damn scared, though it did mean I couldn’t talk about any trans stuff. I came out to my psych so it felt weird continuing the conversation with someone else.

On the trans note, I came out to a friend of mine. I told her several years ago that I was considering a sex change in the future and she was really accepting so I just brought it up again to let her know how it’s progressed. When I told her those years ago I also told a male friend of mine and he basically said he would disown me if I did have a sex change. Well, my female friend told me that he’s obsessed with me and won’t stop talking about me to her and that’s within the last week so I’m sure he won’t have changed his view. He’s liked me for such a long time and we tried to have a relationship but it just didn’t work. We’re boths aspies and couldn’t even have much of a conversation unless it was about video games. He was devestated when I came out as a lesbian. I’m a bit worried about losing him though.

Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment =)

~C~

Names, pronouns and passing…Oh My!

I’ve been thinking about trans issues again. Even almost bought a packer! =D That was an interesting bit of research. Anyway, so I’m getting to the point of being pretty damn sure I want to transition to being as male as I can be. It’s kind of a relief, but I’m really scared about it. I don’t even want to say it to my Psych! Apparently, telling her I was uncertain was a lot easier than telling her I want to be male.

One of the hurdles I’m coming across is name changing. Now, my full name is very feminine, but everyone calls me by a unisex nickname and have done my whole life. In fact, I would get really pissed off if anyone called me by my full name to the point that a temp-teacher was warned about it. So, I could change my name officially to the one I go by or to the male counterpart to my full name and keep my nickname, but I think there’s something in a whole new name. It’s like, when I transition, I’m going to be like a new person in a way so maybe my name should reflect that.

The thing is, I can’t decide what name. I like unusual names like Malakai (or Malachi) or Kyan (or Cian), but then I also like James, Jason, Erik and Alex. And what about Marcus?! I even briefly considered Xavier, which is actually Arabic for ‘bright’, but everyone is going to think of the X-men (which I adore, but still).

Then there’s the surname. Hmm, this is a tough one. If I keep my surname then people would be able to find out about my transition later in life which I might not want then, but if I change it my family might see it as a kind of disrespect. I’ve actually decided on two surnames, Stone and Whiter. One of them means nothing to me except I like it and the other is my dead grandmothers maiden name.

Next, there’s pronouns. Currently, I obviously go by female pronouns and seeing as I’ve had that my whole life, I’m pretty comfortable with them. However, in the future, I’m probably going to want to change to male pronouns to avoid awkwardness and being outed uncontrollably and that isn’t something I find very comforting at the moment. I’m better than I was. I used to find it seriously scary and undesirable, but I’m warming up to the idea of being called ‘he’.

And finally, my last point for this post. It’s still related to trans issues, but this time it’s not so much a hurdle as the others are. I’ve been passing recently without trying! It felt amazing! A train ticket guy called me ’sir’ and my mum ‘ma’am’ twice. It was beautiful. My mum didn’t hear, but I told her later and she just tutted and looked incredulous. Then she actually looked at me and thought ‘well…’. There was also a few incidents at a party recently where people I didn’t know had to ask my friends if I was male or female. One of them said he thought I was male, but then he shook my hand and I guess my handshake gave me away! Finally, a while ago when I went on holiday, we went on a boat and the ’sailor’ or whatever he’s called, helped my mum and my brother’s girlfriend on the boat but didn’t for my ’step-dad’, my brother and me. He did have a confused look on his face when he looked at me and sort of flinched as if he was deciding whether to help me.

I think passing recently has helped me come to the decision that I want to transition as it did make me feel a bit good. The incidents certainly made me smile. I’m finally 18 so it’s time I made my decision I reckon.

~C~

Trans Issues and General Update

I’m pretty tense at the moment. All my trans thoughts from before were pushed down in my head for a while, so I’ve been concentrating on my depression a lot, but they’re coming back. I’m not sure if this blog will help me relax a litte or even if it I’ve got enough to say, but here goes anyway.

I’ll start off with non-trans related things, like my birthday! It’s my 18th birthday on Monday 13th. I haven’t really told anyone anything that I want for presents, so I reckon I’m being pretty awkward for people. Oh well, we’re having a big boozy party as 3 of us share the same birthday. Anyway, since it’s my 18th, I’m so getting tattooed. I have waited years for this day so I’m not going to waste it. Thing is, I have so many ideas and it makes me feel small.

Which reminds me, I feel fat. I stopped eating and drinking for my suicide plan, but I got really dizzy and headachy. It was all around unpleasant and felt a lot like my dissociation periods and I really don’t need to be bringing them on myself! My CPN guessed what I was doing (for one thing, I grinned when I got on the scales and lost weight) and she got all worried and practically begged me to drink again. She even tried to call me and sent me an e-mail to ask if I’d had a drnk yet the next morning! So, I’m sort of drinking again and my eating is a little better, but it still doesn’t help my self esteem!

I got a new piercing. A Medusa which (fun fact) is my piercer’s favourite piercing which she’s had done twice but doesn’t have it at the moment because of her ’smiley’. Anyway, it’s very sore and tingly. It bleeds in the night so I have to clean all the scabs in the morning. Ew.

Ok, I’m warmed up! Trans thoughts. I want god damn testosterone and chest reconstruction surgery! It’s driving me mad! When I told my Psych about my gender issues she said she’d talk to some local specialists and get back to me, but she hasn’t! I don’t even believe she’s talked to anyone =( I’m going to try and talk to my CPN or my Psych about it if I can. I’m seeing them on Tuesday 14th together (scary experience) and I’m also seeing my therapist at the end of the week. This will be our final, final appointment. They really are messing me about.

~C~

My Schizophrenic Cousin

My cousin is 31 years old and has schizophrenia, which means he’s in and out of hospital units and halfway homes. He’s always stopping his medication and has strong religious (Christian) beliefs. I don’t know that he is Christian, but he believes a lot about Jesus and can quote the bible like he wrote it.

Recently, he’s been going through a rough spot and my mum just got home from talking to his mum (her sister). Apparently, he thinks there are demons in him and he can’t be in small enclosed spaces, like cars, because they get worse and he has to search his food for them. He also talked to a priest and he said they were sent by the devil. What a helpful guy!

I don’t know the bible well but he says that Jesus had demons in him and jumped off a mountain, which is vaguely familiar to me, but now everyone is worried that he’s going to try it to get rid of the demons. He’s also been saying things that I say like ‘What’s the point?’ and ‘My life has no meaning’ etc but he’s sworn his mum to secrecy so she feels trapped as she can’t tell the doctors because he’s never forgive her. He’s very sexist and tried to attack her on several occasions. Apparently, women are sent by the devil and all sorts.

I’m writing about it because I’m worried about him. He’s a pretty scary guy even when on his medication, but it’s not his fault and if he just stuck with the meds and tried his best, he could have an almost normal life. He believes he’s never going to have a family or a career and I find it really sad that he thinks that.

A little bit about me to finish off – I’m not eating or drinking much and everyone is really worried. I’m really suicidal and the weekend is coming so I won’t be able to contact any of my profs. I also had to go to Portsmouth for a medical assessment which was a right farse! I had to take a bus and train with my mum to get there and there was a panic because my mum forgot some things she was supposed to bring about me. The actual assessment wasn’t so bad as the doctor was really nice and thankfully it was only stuff about the mental side of things. My mum was allowed to answer most questions so I just sat there shook mostly. We did a bit of shopping afterwards which was a bit scary but okay. My mum found a £ shop and went mental buying loads of things =P

~C~

Suicidal Conversations

I got up this morning not feeling too good. I kept my scalpel by my side but after a while, I thought better of it and put it back in my room, upstairs. Gradually, I started feeling okay, but all this while I’d been on a suicide forum which supports people in crisis etc and I was in the chat room as I prefer it to the forum. For some reason forums scare me more than a chat room!

Anyway, there were only 3 or 4 of us chatting and I was fairly quiet as usual, but one guy thought he was scaring away other members who came into the chat room, because they left rather quick. I’d asked him how he was earlier on and he’d said he wasn’t sure, but eventually he became very low and suicidal.

I was left alone talking him through it and it really took it’s tole on me. My mood just dropped and I felt like I couldn’t help because I didn’t have any experience in the area he was talking about (relationships) and he’s in his 30s. I just thought, if I don’t kill myself soon, I’m going to end up like this guy. In my 30s still suicidal and cutting after 10-20years. I don’t want to live like that.

To ‘that guy’, if you’ve read this and now feel sad as if you’re to blame for something, please don’t. Your bad mood may have triggered me, but I stayed with you for a reason. I wanted to help and even if the responsibility of your very life was on my shoulders, I still came through and so did you, so we should both see this as a positive thing.

Still on the topic of suicide, I have a plan! It’s made me feel so much better today to know that I have a plan. I won’t go into detail but it’s going to be one that involves doing nothing. I’ve sort of tried it before and I gave up but this time it’s going to work! So no need to say goodbye. It’ll take a few months I should think and even then there’s no certainty it’ll work but hey ho. It’s worth a shot to me.

On a side note, I hate the hot weather! The other day my friend said “Oh well, winter soon.” He has a strange concept of time.

~C~

Suicidal Tendencies

I’m actually feeling pretty good, but I saw my CPN this morning so I put it down to that (got a lot off my chest I suppose). Yesterday was a terrible day. I was in tears or near to crying most of the day and I made a noose. I got two sets of 3 pieces of string and plaited them together, then twisted the two plaites together. It was going to end up with 3 plaites, but I got impatient. It’s surprisingly thick though and I told my CPN about it and she thought it sounded pretty damn sturdy.

Anyway!  So I made this noose, even had it around my neck and was looking for something to tie the other end too, when my brother and his girlfriend came over. Not good timing, but I did end up going to sleep with a little bit of rope burn around my neck.

I talked to a friend yesterday while I was in the thick of it, but she wasn’t particularly helpful. It just delayed it really which I guess was good otherwise maybe my brother would’ve come round too late. I had to keep going upstairs to get away from my mum so I could cry and I spent ages wrapped up in my bed while she thought I was on the computer (which is working well, by the way).

So, I saw my CPN today and she started talking about the emails me and my therapist have been going back and forth with and how I sound angry at her (I said something about not having anything to say to her). I explained that I couldn’t say that I wasn’t, but then I didn’t really feel angry and it wasn’t fair on her if I was. It’s not her fault I’m turning 18 afterall.

We got onto me feeling suicidal and I’ve increased my self harming so she asked if I’d managed to stop myself or delay doing it. I said yes and it was yesterday, which she thought was really good, but then I told her about the noose haha. Fun times! She’s really worried about me and is going to talk to my psychiatrist about it (if she’s not on holiday still) so I don’t know what’ll come out of that. She told my mum I was feeling really low so she’s been keeping an eye on me. She’s fallen asleep now though so it’s a good thing I’m feeling okay.

Thanks for reading =)

~C~